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Beauty Without Ana and Mia

Beauty is Deeper Than Thin

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dancing on the water


March 2nd, 2012


dancing on the water
I really like to pretend like I'm over my E.D....that is quite evident from the title of my journal here....yes, of course beauty is deeper than thin but is that the viewpoint I have when I look at my OWN body? Absolutely not. Was that REALLY my perspective when I made this journal last year? I doubt it, I really do. When I read the title of this journal, I feel like I was being dishonest with myself. It's really only been in the past few weeks where I've started to be honest with myself again; started admitting that I am in fact STILL affected by an E.D.....question is: when will it END?! Will there EVER be a time when I'm not obsessed with my stomach, or will I still be concerned with my abs when I'm old and wrinkly?! Maybe it's just a matter of growing up: I like to think I am a kind person who cares about others but if this is true, why is my own body image always on my mind? When I hang out with girls and women I am always comparing their bodies to my own. That is QUITE an egocentric thing to do; I mean if I am spending time with people, I should be listening to THEM and caring about what THEY are saying instead of thinking about myself...maybe the day when I am less egotistical is the day when I will no longer have an eating disorder!

June 13th, 2011

Hey there reader!!

If you are living with an e.d, have recovered from an e.d., know someone with an e.d. and are looking for ways to help them or just want some info about eating disorders, please check out my new eating disorder support community,
luv_is_beauty ! I'm trying to make my community different than others by filling a need that other communities are not meeting. I want to shape luv_is_beauty in accordance with members' needs! So please, check it out and give me some suggestions!



Mermaid Abs

dancing on the water
Mermaids are by far my favourite mythological creature. I have been absolutely fascinated with them ever since I was introduced to them as a toddler in 'The Little Mermaid.'  I am now in my 20s and still dream of the day when I wake-up underwater with a gorgeous sea-green tail, thick and luscious flowing red or dark brown hair and amazing abs. WAIT. Why the amazing abs? Why do I always picture mermaids as having flat stomachs? If mermaids were real, I'm sure they would come in all shapes and sizes! Therefore, I need not obsess over my weight and abs beginning now, so as to have a flat, sexy stomach by Halloween in order to ROCK my planned mermaid Halloween costume!  Instead, I should probably focus on the actual CREATION of the costume, as there is more to a mermaid than her abs.

'BUT' says the illogical voice in my head, 'would you REALLY be happy walking around on Halloween in your awesome mermaid costume with an AVERAGE stomach? EVERYONE would be looking at your stomach! It DOESN'T HELP that you decided to get your bellybutton pierced, so EVERYONE will be looking at your BELLY because it will be so SPARKLY. Are you REALLY ok with large crowds of people making MENTAL NOTES of the lack of tone-age in your BELLY?! Really? REALLY?'

'UM' says the logical side of my brain, 'LIFE IS  NOT ABOUT ABS! Why does it matter what people think about your abs? They probably won't even care because your tail will be so FLASHY!! Remember the Rumi quote you found today: 'I want to sing like the birds sing, not worrying about who hears or what they think,' and live by that!!'

I blame Disney for this whole issue. Damn you, Disney, why couldn't Ariel have been a bit more curvaceous?!


June 11th, 2011

Addictive Personalities

dancing on the water
I believe that eating disorders are addictions. When I was bulimic, I was addicted to eating sugary foods and at times to purging (feelings of fullness made me worry that I was becoming 'fat' and I did not feel 'ok' until after purging my food). Before that, I was addicted to counting calories and exercise. I seem to have the ability to be addicted to anything. At the moment, it appears that I am (once again) addicted to LiveJournal. I have spent waaaay too much time on here since I joined. I know this because there are chores that I have disregarded in order to write on LiveJournal. Further, I have thought about LiveJournal and what I was going to post on it at random times during the day, times when my activities had absolutely nothing to do with LiveJournal....Finally, akin to my other 'real' addictions, I have lied about it's presence. When my partner asked me what I had been doing for the past few hours, I lied because I was embarrassed about my obsession with my new past-time. Another similarity is that I do not love LiveJournal, as I did not love inducing vomiting in public washrooms after eating food in restaurants with friends that made me feel 'fat'.... I do not particularly want to be on LiveJournal writing this comment at this time; I'd much prefer to be asleep, resting up for a morning work shift tomorrow. So whyyyyy WHY am I on here?

Theory of the night: I have an addictive personality.....
QUESTION: Why can't I be addicted to something more USEFUL? Time to try a little harder to get addicted to...cleaning? Writing an epic novel that will make me millions? Going to bed at a reasonable time, PERHAPS?


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